Title: So Little Time

Author: miszbee 

Genre: Angst

Rating: None

Length: One-Shot

Pairing: Yunjae/Jaeho

Summary: There’s so little time left, but there are so many things to do and to be done. Will you ever have the time and the one who will help you going through everything?

Author’s Note: This is unbeta-ed and it came to me at 3am in the morning *just so you know*. Forgive any mistakes.

Your calloused hand slowly massaged your scalp. The frown on your forehead increased as the massage got stronger. The pain that has started 2 hours ago had no sign of decreasing, instead it sting like hell. Your back hurt, the result of you already weary and thin body being leaned on for too long on the bedside, instead of lying on the comfy bed. White pills, the medication that you were supposed to consume every time the pain struck, scattered under the bedside table. A shattered glass accompanied by a few drops of blood, your own blood remained on the white tiles of his bedroom.

This was not how it is supposed to be. You were still young, has not even reach the age of 30, yet you can barely hold a glass of water. You still have the face that everyone thinks as an eye-catcher, yet you lost the shine behind it. You were the star that every one admires, yet you barely acknowledge yourself when you look at your reflection on the mirror. Your name was on everyone’s mouth, being chanted like it was some kind of spell, yet you need almost all the energy in your body just to utter a simple word.

But now, look what have you become. You were a mess. You lost everything. You lost the million dollar smile that melted women or even men, you lost the intense look that used to pierce people right to the core, you lost the six-packed abs that brought envy to those who saw you. Right now, you were just a wreck, beyond repair. The chatter box that you used to be has turned into this lifeless zombie that has nothing, nothing except your daily medication and your table calendar that helped you counting the remaining days. More marks than blanks, well that’s an ‘achievement’. There were not many days left until that big red ‘X’ mark at the end of the calendar.

“Jae...”

Damn you. How can you forget this wonderful man. No. This wonderful, angel in disguise. The one who had been and will always be with you, no matter how cruel fate can be to you.

 Your friend.

 Your partner.

 Your love.

“Joongie..where are you?”

You tried to answer his call, but the pain forbid  you to. Just a groan passed your chapped, dried lips. But you knew, he will find you. Just like he always do. Sometimes, it overwhelmed you how he always managed to find you eventhough how far apart you both can be. Sounds of his steps told you that he will be in front of you in few seconds. You plastered a small smile, reducing the pain look on your face, masking the hell of a pain that you were facing inside. You gathered your strength, holding  to the bedside table to stand up and pushed yourself onto the bed, minimizing the noise that you made.

The blood. How can you forget that. He will see it. Too late.

The bedroom door squeaked and heavy footsteps turned into fast paces as the other guy ran to you. The smile that was on his face disappeared in mere seconds as it changed into a thin line with a concern frown on his small face.

“Joongie, are you hurt?”

 “Yunnie, no!! Don’t come near....”

Too late. The glass went right into his right heel.

“What’s wrong?”

“You will hurt..... yourself.”

You knew he put himself second to yourself. He will turn into this invincible man who can’t even get hurt by glass whenever you are around. You hate him for that. Why he has to put you on top of everything, even himself.

“Babe, what happen? Are you in pain? Is the headache coming again? Do you want anything? I’ll go take the wet towel, you know it will make you better. Have you taken your medication? Is it here? Oh my god, you hurt your hand is it? Where is the first aid kit, I thought I put it here this morning...”

“Yunnie, I’m all right. I’m better now...”

“No, you’re not. Come, let’s go to the doctor. Who knows....”

“Yunnie...”

“I’ll go get your jacket. You stay here...I’ll be back in a sec...”

You grabbed his hand, forced him to look at you straight in the eyes since he has been avoiding it. It was his habit, avoiding your gaze whenever he decided on something that you will object. And obviously, he knew how you hated going to the doctor. How you hated hearing the same advices, telling you to take better care of yourself, telling you to take the medication on time, and telling you that you have not much time left, so use it wisely. As if the doctor care, as if he understood how you felt, knowing how dark you future is. Why take the medication on time if you knew you will be dead by the end of the year? Why take better care of yourself if you knew that this body can’t even surpass more than 4 months? Why bother telling you how much time you have if he knew that instead of using it wisely, you will only count the days that you have left?

“Joongie..”

“No! I’m not going anywhere. it’s just a scratch. I tried to take the glass, but the headache was too painful that it slipped of my hand. It’s nothing, Yunnie.”

“Are you sure? We can always check with the doctor. Maybe he can change the medication. Your headaches come quite regular now isn’t it, since he changed your medication last month. Maybe...”

“I’m 100% sure. Maybe, it’s just the side effects. I’m okay now.”

“But Joongie..”

“Seriously, I’m fine. I forgot to take the pills after lunch, that is why I got the headache I think. It’s nothing serious, Yunnie.”

“Okay now. I’ll go take the kit for your hand okay. You stay right here.”

You noticed his limp, caused by the shattered glass on the floor. This was all because of you. Because of this stupid cancer that you have 2 years ago.

 You turned to the picture at your side. A picture of two men holding two scrolls and a bouquet of flower, different heights, different style, one with a jet black hair while the other with a shorter brown hair, yet with the same eyes and the same smiles that told the world that they were twins. Beside it, a picture of you and Yunho, while you were looking over the sunset at the Han River, you favourite place.  

You have kept the news of your cancer only to yourself on the first year but that ungrateful doctor has unintentionally, as he claimed, slipped it out to your boyfriend and later your family even after your constant reminder to keep it a secret from anyone.

You kept the news from everyone, even from your twin, Junsu. But twins will always be twins. Twins think alike, you even feel alike. He knew you have been keeping something from him. When he discovered your disease, instead of consoling you, he kept his distance. Instead of giving a shoulder to lean on, he gave you a piece of his mind.

<flashback>

“And here I thought we were brothers.”

“Susu-ah..I didn’t mean...I don’t want to..”

“You don’t want to what? Don’t want to burden me? Don’t want to make me worried?”

“.....”

“I am supposed to worry for you, well you always make me worried anyhow. Of course, you have always been a burden to me. When you bumped dad’s car on Mr Park’s gate, whom did you call? When you passed out drunk after you failed the driving test, whom did you call? When you broke into a fight with Yunho because of a fucking phone call from his ex, whose sofa that you crashed on? You are OBVIOUSLY a burden to me. But, did I ever regret it before? Regret on you being the burden to me? No..fucking no.. because I am your brother for god sake. You are my brother, of course I will care for you. And now, you are keeping this a secret for me. This fucking disease or whatever it is, you are keeping it a secret because you CARE for me? Don’t you dare give me this shit.”

“I don’t know how to tell you. I don’t want you to know because...I don’t want to make you sad. I want us to be like normal, I don’t want to be taken care of cause I know you will treat me differently. You will be extra careful with me...like I’m some kind of....some kind of disabled people. Some kind of retards. I want to take care of myself. I don’t want people to look at me out of pity, especially not from you.”

“Of course I’m going to be sad. You’re my other half. When you’re gone, apart of me will be gone too. But the other part will continue to live..for you. You want to be normal? Yeah, I can give you that. You don’t want me to take care of you? No problem, I am pleased to hear that cause I know my brother is strong enough to live on his own. I know my brother is strong enough to fight this. But at least, let me be with you. Allow me to give you strength and lend you a shoulder whenever you need one. Don’t keep any secret from me hyung, please. Just don’t leave me unprepared for something as big as losing you cause you know I can’t handle that.”

<flashback>

That was your way of dealing with your disease. You thought that putting aside your feeling and leaving your loved ones will lessen the pain they will feel once you are truly gone. You had planned to leave Yunho. You intended to break this wonderful relationship of 5 years that you have down the drain, so that no one will get hurt. At least that was what you had thought. But you forgot to ask him, ask the person himself. As you were too engrossed with your own feeling, you kept your distance again, just like what you did to Junsu and your family. However this time, instead of being enlightened by the other man, you were the one who realized that you needed him somehow. You needed him to survive on your seven months that were promised to you, you needed him beside you on your remaining days. Somehow you knew, you did not wish to be alone, and faced this on your own.

<flashback>

“Yunho!! What the hell are you doing?? Put it down!!”

He gripped harder onto the razor blade. Pointing it directly towards his vein on his left wrist. The bathroom was messy. The towel lied on the floor, bottles of medicine that you have kept secretly behind the rack as your emergency source were scattered on the white tiles. How can you forget to take it when you left his house 2 weeks ago. He didn’t answer your call, instead his gaze was still focused on the green vein. You saw few scratches on his arm, his favourite yellow shirts tainted with blood here and there, his tousled hair, and yet you still love him. Was this the impact you had left with him when you walked out of his life? Was this what you really want?

“Yunho...give me that. Please...”

You stepped closer to him, extended your hand to him, silently asking him to pass the razor to you.

“Why would I do that?”

“$You are not going to hurt yourself with that. Now give it to me.”

“I’m already hurt, in case you didn’t notice. So now please, could you leave so I can continue killing myself.”

His sarcasm killed you inside. Of course he was hurt. By you.

“No, Yunnie. Please, don’t do this...”

“Why not? Why don’t you see me die first, then you can DIE in peace. I want you to know, I want you to feel which situation you are putting me in. Just to let you have a taste of what I will feel later.”

“Yunnie..no! I...I didn’t mean to...you don’t know how difficult it is for me to...”

“To what? To tell me that you are dying? It’s simple..just tell me straight to the face, tell me like a man..tell me...I AM FUCKING DYING SO BE PREPARED. But no...you just ran. Ran like a fucking coward. You think I’m going to leave you? You think I’m a heartless bastard who will leave you to die alone?”

“NO!! Just stop it. I don’t want you to get hurt again. Not after ... after what happen to Yoochun.”

“Fuck it. How dare you use Yoochun as an excuse. Don’t you ever bring my brother in this.”

“Yes, Yunnie. I don’t want you to be hurt again, like that. I know how hurt you were when Yoochun left, it’s like you were dead too. I don’t want you to ever feel that again.”

Tears streamed down your already pale face, remembering the past. When Yoochun were still alive, when Yoochun were diagnosed with the same disease you have now, when Yoochun was in his remaining days. It’s funny how fate can do that to you, to Yunho. How can fate be so cruel, to let Yunho go through an excruciating pain twice in his trouble life.

“I won’t let you experience it again. It was hard for you to live your live again, and I don’t want to be the one who crashes everything again. I want you to live happily. I don’t see me in that happy life I’m imagining, cause I know I won’t be in it eventhough only God knows how I wish I was apart of it.”

“How is this ‘happy life’..you imagined of? Do tell me...please..”

“I want you to forget me. Forget that I ever exist. Let it all be just mere memories kept ain the farthest place of your mind. Move on. Meet new guy or girl for god sake. Fell in love. Get married, live happily ever after like in the fairy tales you love so much. There’s no me....there will be no me in the future.”

“That’s where you got it all wrong, Jae. How can I ever forget you?”

“You can! You have to!”

He put down the blade he had been holding and moved to your direction. His heavy footsteps seemed so tired, not to your liking cause it was obvious how he had been abandoning his health.

 “I can’t and I won’t forget you, Jae. Not after everything we have been through. You saw me crumpled after my brother’s death, and you saw me slowly standing up again. Isn’t that a sign of how strong I am? You were with me when I was at my weakest point, you saw me broken into pieces. But baby, you were the one who put me back together, you were the one who taught me how to walk again, but I learnt how to fly on my own later. Isn’t that a sign of how invincible I am and also a proof that I can experience it again if I have to.”

“But Yunnie, you don’t have to. I don’t want to be the cause of your sorrow. I won’t let you face it again, alone this time, without me.”

“I want to, Jae. You know I would do anything for you.”

Your trembled hands gripped his shirt tighter than you can imagine. He brought you closer to him, embraced you in his warm chest. You head fit perfectly under his chin, a sign that you were made for each other, like Yunho claimed. Suddenly, you felt the fear. The fear that you have kept inside from the moment you got the news of your fatal disease. You had promised to yourself that you will be strong enough to face this alone, you refused to cling on others or burden them with your fear of dying but right at this moment, everything started to rush out without you being able to hold it back. You sobbed harder into his chest, pouring your heart out and let your greatest fear slipped out of your once cherry-red lips.

“I’m afraid, Yunnie.I’m afraid of the dark, Yunnie. Everytime I close my eyes, or go to sleep, I’m afraid I won’t wake up again.”

“I’ll be here, Joongie.I’ll be there when you close your eyes and be right beside you when you open it again. I’ll be right beside you, every day, every night, every second, if you allow me to.”

“Just...don’t leave me.”

“I won’t. You know I won’t let you go, again.”

<flashback>

Here you were. Living your remaining days with the man that you love so much, with never ending support from your family. You feel so much loved in this so little time you have left. You regretted how you never really appreciated the love you got all this time, not until you have only four months to cherish.

Since the news broke, your family has taken an extra care for you, as expected but Junsu kept his promise. Whenever he called, they talked about the usual conversation they always had like where’s the best place to go clubbing, where can he find a stylish pant or when will Jaejoong introduce his friends to him. Still, he asked if you ever need anything and how you were coping with the disease. You answered him sincerely, no secret being kept and as usual, Junsu will be the one who accompanies you for your usual check-up even with Yunho tagging along. As for Yunho, he asked you to move in with him, more like forced you to but you agreed happily to it within an instance since you knew you can never live without him. He cooked your favourite meals, he took you to bed, even read bedtime stories for you whenever you requested for it, bathed you whenever you felt like you can’t even standing and most importantly, never leaving your side as he had promised. He was there when you closed your eyes and he was still right there when you opened it.

Sometimes it came across your mind, was this cancer a curse from God, or was it actually a blessing from Him.

It was a blessing as it let you cherish every single memory that you made with your loved ones.

It was a blessing as it allowed you to feel the love they have for you.

It was a blessing as it gave you ample of time to give your love to everyone.

It was a blessing to know that there are people who really treasure you just like you treasure them.

You knew there were too many people to spend your remaining time with. There were too many thank you-s that you have to deliver before you ran out of time. There were too many forgiveness you have to gain before you regretted not being able to ask for it. And there were too many memories you wish to leave behind the people you loved before you close your eyes, so that they will remember you forever.

Deep down inside you knew, in this so little time, there are too much to do, and you will use your remaining days to make memories that will forever be cherished, if not by you, by the ones who created it with you.